[00:00:00] Host – Grace Jennings-Edquist: Do you think great networkers are naturally confident? Think again. In today’s episode, lifelong introvert Nick Bendel, who’s also a corporate trainer, author, and keynote speaker, explains why he, as a lifelong introvert, challenged himself to have lunch with 500 complete strangers and what he learned from the experience. Nick shares practical ways to make networking less awkward, build genuine connections, and develop your social courage. Then, PR consultant, author, and visibility mentor Bec Sands explores how to get your business noticed without chasing a huge audience or becoming a self-promotion machine. From focusing on your ideal clients to choosing one channel and showing up consistently, Bec offers a simple approach to building visibility and credibility. Even when putting yourself out there feels uncomfortable. From SoundCartel. I’m Grace Jennings-Edquist, and this is Business Essentials.
How introverts can build powerful business networks
A lifelong introvert, Nick Bendel networking didn’t come naturally. But after challenging himself to have lunch with 500 complete strangers, the corporate trainer and keynote speaker discovered that confidence is something everyone can build through action. In this conversation, Nick draws on his new book, the 500 Lunches Effect, to explain how business owners can develop social courage and build meaningful connections when networking. I kicked off the interview by asking Nick what made him take on such an ambitious project, and what surprised him most along the way.
[00:01:32] Nick Bendel: The reason I decided to do this rather unusual project. I recently started a business and I was obsessed with making the business succeed, and I was wondering, what do I need to do to make the business succeed? Because I’d never had a business before. And one thing that eventually occurred to me was if I stayed as a sort of person, I was and I was the sort of person who liked to stay at home on my own with a cup of tea and a good book. Didn’t really like to socialize. I didn’t dislike people. I just preferred to be on my own. I thought that sort of person would struggle to make sales, struggle to build a network. So I thought I needed to improve my social skills, put myself out there more. Change my mindset. Build a great network. And as those thoughts were starting to take shape in my mind, I discovered a woman in Melbourne named Kaley Chu, who in 2019 published a book about having lunch with 100 strangers. And I bought a copy of the book, and I was so impressed by what she’d done and the positive changes her project had brought to her life that I decided to steal her idea. Except I would have 501 rather than 100 lunches. And I contacted her, told her how much I loved her idea, and that I was going to have 500 lunches and would she be the first. And she said, yes, I’m based in Sydney. I flew to Melbourne to meet her and have lunch with her, so she was lunch number one. I then had another 499.
[00:02:50] Nick Bendel: Now to go back to your question about the thing that surprised me most, this is going to sound maybe a bit negative, but I don’t mean it in a negative way. And by the way, I met people of all different ages, all different backgrounds, all different professions, every sort of person and type of person you could think of. And many of the people I met were people who had really high powered jobs. Some of them were famous. They earned a lot of money. And I discovered that no matter what your age, your background, your profession, your status, all of us are really insecure. And as I say, that’s not meant to sound negative. I actually saw it as a positive because I realized I wasn’t the only one with insecurities. And these insecurities that we all have, they hold us back, and part of what holds us back is we’re all hyper aware of our insecurities, but we don’t really notice other people’s insecurities. So we think it’s just us and we can’t do this thing because what are people going to say? They’re going to laugh at us. They’re going to judge us. But once you realize that everyone else has insecurities and they’re really not paying that much attention to you because they’re so busy worrying about their own insecurities, it doesn’t magically make your insecurities disappear, grace, but it does make it easier to consciously think your way past your insecurities. And the more of these uncomfortable things you do, the more confidence you gain. So that was probably the biggest thing that surprised me and the biggest lesson I learned.
[00:04:11] Host – Grace Jennings-Edquist: That is absolutely fascinating. So Nick, your book introduces the idea of social courage. How is social courage different from confidence? And why do you believe so many people wait until they feel confident before taking action?
[00:04:24] Nick Bendel: Well, actually, this follows on nicely from what we were discussing a moment ago. So social courage is doing something where you don’t feel ready, where you feel you might be laughed at, judged, criticized, rejected, maybe embarrassed, or even humiliated. And the reason social courage comes before confidence, what a lot of people say is, you know, I’ll do that thing once I become confident. But what many of us don’t realize is confidence doesn’t magically appear. Confidence is the result of doing uncomfortable things. So you need to show social courage, do the uncomfortable thing, and then you gain confidence. Once you discover you are able to do something that was scary, the world didn’t end, and doing one scary thing doesn’t magically transform you into the world’s most confident person, but it is a bit of evidence in the right direction, and it does make you a little bit more confident. And so this is why you don’t wait for confidence to do scary things. You do scary things, and then you get the confidence.
[00:05:21] Host – Grace Jennings-Edquist: So important and such an important lesson to learn. So many of our listeners are business owners who know logically that networking is important, but they might find it uncomfortable or awkward. It’s a very relatable kind of feeling. What is your advice, Nick, for making that first connection without feeling like you’re selling yourself?
[00:05:40] Nick Bendel: I can really relate to this because I used to be terrified of networking. Now I enjoy it and I’m comfortable with it, and I do a lot of it. But I used to find it really hard. I hated going to networking events or parties where I didn’t know anyone. And part of the reason was grace. I thought that if I go up to someone, I need to come up with something clever or inspiring or witty to say. Otherwise, no one would want to talk to me. What I learned was, you don’t need to do any of those things. It’s enough just to say hello. And it’s also, it becomes easier once you realize that you’re not the only person in the room nervous about being in that room. Most people are, even though they don’t look it. And so one bit of advice I’d give to people is just realize it’s not just you. It’s a lot of people in the room. Second, don’t feel like you need to say anything clever. It’s enough just to walk up to someone and say, oh, hi, my name’s Nick. Uh, what’s your name or what’s your business? Or do you mind if I have a chat? That’s perfectly fine. And then a third bit of advice I’d give is shift the focus from you to them. Ask the other person questions. Take a genuine interest in them. Once the focus shifts from you to them, it actually becomes a lot easier to have a conversation because now you’re not trying to carry it.
[00:06:53] Nick Bendel: Now you’re not trying to come up with anything clever. And just following on from that grace, I’ve noticed that when you take a genuine interest in other people, when you give them a chance to talk about something that they’re passionate about, when you listen really closely, not just stay silent while they’re talking and it’s your chance to talk, but really listen and then ask thoughtful follow up questions that advances a conversation even though they’re doing most of the talking. Ironically, they’re going to think you’re an amazing conversationalist because you’re making them feel comfortable. And that’s just a great way to ease yourself into these networking situations. And just the final thing I’d mention, because you asked in your question, Grace, how do people do this without maybe feeling a bit slimy or a bit sleazy? I would say remove any expectation that you need to make a sale at these events or come up with some sort of deal. I look at networking every time I attend a networking event, it’s just like buying a lottery ticket and you never know what’s going to happen. And I don’t put any pressure on myself to get anything meaningful out of it. It’s just enough to show up and meet some people and practice my social skills and. And if that’s all you expect from it, then that removes the pressure. And it does make it easier to be more natural and to attend these kind of events.
[00:08:10] Host – Grace Jennings-Edquist: You did mention before, Nick, that across these 500 conversations, you met people from all walks of life, and you talked about one commonality that many had about, you know, everyone has insecurities. Were there any other common habits or mindsets you noticed among people who consistently created opportunities for themselves specifically? So I suppose like successful people, what do they have in common?
[00:08:32] Nick Bendel: Yes. And it’s actually something we spoke about a few minutes ago. It’s this idea of social courage. What I discovered, Grace, the the most successful people weren’t the smartest. They weren’t the people who were the most talented. They tended to be the people who did the most uncomfortable things. In other words, who practiced social courage, who made phone calls that they weren’t comfortable with, who attended networking events when maybe they didn’t want to be there, who who were willing to run the risk of rejection, who were willing to maybe start a business even though people might laugh at them and say, what gives you the right people who are willing to maybe ask for a promotion at work or volunteer to lead a project at work, even though maybe they weren’t quite ready. These were the people who tended to be most successful, because the only way we grow grace is by getting out of our comfort zone. And when you have that social courage, when you force yourself to do these uncomfortable things, it fast tracks your growth. And it also helps you learn new skills and build new relationships and strengthen your mindset. So I would say that would be the one thing I saw again and again and again with successful people. They were willing to practice social courage in a way that other people weren’t.
[00:09:49] Host – Grace Jennings-Edquist: And so feeling inspired now, I’m sure a lot of our listeners are as well. Just as a last takeaway, what is, say, one small act of social courage that every listener could take this week that might pay dividends over the long term? Like, what would you recommend as just one little habit that listeners could implement?
[00:10:06] Nick Bendel: Okay. Well, something I really like. Their grace was habit because one act alone isn’t going to do anything. If you’re overweight and unfit, going to the gym once isn’t going to get you fit. It needs to be a habit. You don’t need to run 20km a day, but you do need to make exercise a habit. And the social courage habit that I would encourage people to do is something that’s specific for them, because we all have different fears and different insecurities. And the thing I’m insecure about, grace is going to be different from the thing you’re insecure about. So I would say identify one thing for you. For example, I’m working with someone at the moment. Her big thing is she’s a mortgage broker. She knows she needs to contact potential referral partners for her, its financial advisors and accountants. She knows who to contact, she knows why she needs to contact them. She even knows what to say. But there’s a psychological blockage, which is what if these people reject me? What if they laugh at me? And so what we’re working on with her is to just make the habit as easy as possible. She doesn’t need to suddenly contact 100 people a week. But what if she was to contact one person a day? And so I would say to people, find out the thing that you need to show social courage in and work out the smallest possible step you can take to move forward. And then look to do that small step on a regular, ongoing basis.
[00:11:29] Host – Grace Jennings-Edquist: That was Nick Bendel, corporate trainer, keynote speaker, and author of the 500 Lunches Effect.
Becoming more visible
Now to making yourself visible, even when promoting yourself feels uncomfortable. If you’ve ever experienced imposter syndrome or just felt a bit icky about self-promotion, this one’s for you. Bec Sands is a PR consultant, visibility mentor, and author of new book, What You Came Here to Create. She joins me to explain how women in business can overcome fear. And she also shares simple ways to build credibility while staying true to your unique voice. I started by asking Beck, why do so many capable women delay putting themselves out there into the world, and what does that hesitation end up costing them and their businesses?
[00:12:17] Bec Sands: Yeah. Look, I think that a lot of people fear being judged by others, which makes sense because I think particularly as women, we see a lot of other women in the media, celebrities get trolled or criticized, heavily criticized, and also people comment on their appearance like more so than men. And so I think as women, we don’t really necessarily want to be putting ourselves out there for that kind of criticism and potential negativity. And so that’s one of the big things. And I think the other thing for women particularly, you know, my clients over the years have really felt like before they can put themselves out there, that they need more education or like another accreditation, even if they’ve got multiple degrees and 20 plus years of corporate experience. And I know that I feel the same way sometimes I’m like, even, you know, launching my book at the moment, which I’m doing, it’s like, oh, hang on, I probably need to go and, you know, learn something else before I can do this thing or before I can do the media interviews. Hang on, I need to do more training. I need to learn this and that. And so I really get the feeling, but I really think that we can start where we’re at. And I think if you’ve got something that you want to say, then it’s so important to be able to put your work out there.
[00:13:34] Host – Grace Jennings-Edquist: So following on from that, many small business owners know that they kind of need to be more visible. But the idea of self promotion makes them uncomfortable. What would you recommend in terms of shifting the way they think about this?
[00:13:47] Bec Sands: Look, I think that we do need to flip it. So when we’re putting ourselves out there, we need to think about the value that we’re providing and the audience and what they’re getting out of it, rather than being so self conscious and self-focused, because this is something that I’ve had to overcome and move through over the years as well. Is that fear around public speaking and putting myself out there? And even at the beginning of my career, I didn’t even like putting myself out there in meetings, let alone kind of on stage. And this is something that I’ve really had to work on, like over the years. And so I think one of the things that really supported me was flipping it to go, okay, what can the audience get from this? What can my ideal clients get from this? You know, and then flipping it so that it’s not actually about you. It’s about what you’re giving.
[00:14:34] Host – Grace Jennings-Edquist: So, Beck, you’ve spent more than 17 years in PR and marketing and comms. What do you think is the biggest misconception you see business owners have about building their profile and what actually works? When you’re running a small business with limited time and limited resources?
[00:14:48] Bec Sands: Yes. So many. I think one of the things is that you have to be visible in front of everyone to be successful. And it’s really just not true. Like you really only need to be visible in front of your ideal clients. And there’s so many different ways that you can do that. You don’t need a huge complex strategy and you don’t need millions of followers. You really just need to be able to identify where your potential clients are at. So if they’re on LinkedIn, appear on LinkedIn, be sharing content that will provide value, entertainment stories, you know, share who you are as a unique individual via that channel or through an email list or however your clients like to consume content. So potentially it’s podcasts like this one. Maybe they go to a lot of industry events so you can network at those industry events and maybe work up to speaking at them as well and being on panels and things like that. So I think just like identify where your ideal clients are at and then you can show up there and you don’t need to be a celebrity, you don’t need to be seen in front of millions of people.
[00:15:53] Host – Grace Jennings-Edquist: We talked earlier about fear of criticism that a lot of women have. I think the other one that shows up a lot is imposter syndrome. So I wanted to ask about this fear of criticism and imposter syndrome, which seem to stop so many people from speaking up, whether that’s, you know, on LinkedIn, as you talked about or in media or on the stage. What practical strategies have you found? Help people move past those fears and take action anyway.
[00:16:18] Bec Sands: I think that grace, the fear never goes away. So at each new level, I think when we’re putting ourselves out there and we will experience a level of getting out of our comfort zone, which should be expected because you’re putting your work out there. You’re putting yourself out there to be seen in front of audiences. And I think that that is going to really be something that you’re going to have to experience. However, what I would advise my clients to do is to start before you’re ready, because that confidence really comes when you take the action. So when I very first started putting myself out there and building my personal brand, it was back when I just first started my business. Like I’d done a bit of personal brand building in corporate, but that was kind of I had the backing of the corporate logo behind me. So putting myself out there in my business was like a whole different ball game, because it was putting my work and my voice and my opinions out there. And so for me, what really supported me was to go live on Instagram every single Friday. And even if no one was showing up, but it was about sort of going live and just spending 5 to 15 minutes riffing on a topic. And by doing that, it really got me more comfortable with speaking, with riffing on a topic. And it really helped me to move through that fear and discomfort.
[00:17:43] Host – Grace Jennings-Edquist: So for someone listening today who perhaps wants to take their career to the next level, what’s one sort of simple and practical step that they could take to become more visible and build credibility?
[00:17:54] Bec Sands: I think that one step that you can take is really just to firstly, just get clear on who you’re talking to and what you’re talking about. So what’s your topic of expertise in relation to the work that you’re sharing in relation to how you can support people? And then just share in one area that you can show up consistently again and again. So that might just be doing one post on LinkedIn. It might be doing that each week. So just committing to that kind of consistency. It could be committing to pitching yourself to a podcast interview and then showing up on that each month. It could be as simple as a networking event. Attending that or pitching yourself as a speaker or on a panel at a networking event. So just choosing that one thing that will get you a little bit out of your comfort zone and just edge you a little bit further, but not necessarily jumping from, you know, this is the first time I’m doing anything to a stage of 100. So yeah, hopefully that’s answered the question.
[00:18:54] Host – Grace Jennings-Edquist: Absolutely. Yeah, that definitely makes sense. Last thing, I’d love to hear a bit more about your book. So your book is called What You Came Here to Create. If there’s one sort of key message you’d like every Australian business owner, particularly women in business, to take away from it, what would it be?
[00:19:08] Bec Sands: I really think it’s just be you. You know, the world needs your unique voice. And I think the more that we kind of try and go out there and pretend to be someone else or pretend to be something else that we’re not, I think that is going to hold us back. So I think when you can put your voice, your lived experience, you know, your own stories into the content, I think that’s when people can start to connect with you on a deeper level than if you’re just being performative.
[00:19:41] Host – Grace Jennings-Edquist: That was PR consultant, visibility mentor and author of new book, What You Came Here to Create, Bec Sands. Thanks for joining us for this week’s episode. Follow Business Essentials Podcast across social media and head to www.BusinessEssentialsPodcast.au for more. Business Essentials is a SoundCartel podcast. Producers are Nick Schildberger, Nicole Goodman and myself. Technical production is by Pete Letts. I’m Grace Jennings-Edquist thanks for listening. We’ll bring you more business essentials next week.
